Lingering

A few times a month I take a turn delivering meals to seniors for lunch. Our office has a route, and I share the privilege of visiting with 13 lovely people every other Friday with a coworker. 

I have to confess that usually I am in a hurry. I try to be quick and efficient in carrying out my assignment while be still being warm and friendly. Most of the times I am in and out in 20 minutes or so.

Last Friday was no exception. I hustled through the first part of my list; pleasant but concise in carrying out my designated duties.

And then I reached the next to last stop on my list. Lynda. We had always exchanged brief pleasantries when I came, and one time she had shown me pictures of her family. Today however, as I placed her meal on the counter, I took particular notice of a piano sitting in the middle of her apartment and felt moved to ask her more about it.

“Do you play?” I asked.

“Sometimes,” she responded. “Not as much as I used to.”

“Do you mind if I do?”

“No. Go right ahead!”

I sat down on the bench and opened the lid. I chose a pretty and familiar song, “Fur Elise”. She sat in a comfy chair behind me and laid back with a smile.

“Ah,” she sighed. “You have exactly 20 minutes to stop that.”

I smiled as well. Something pushed me to ask another question.

“Do you sing?” I queried again. “Maybe you’d like to sing some hymns?”

“I do sing!”

“What part?”

“Alto.”

“Well, if you pick your favorite hymn, I’ll play and sing soprano. And you can harmonize.”

We sang several together…”All Creatures of Our God and Kind”, “Our Savior’s Love” and some others I can’t recall, but all with great alto lines. I can appreciate that.

 We ended with “Where Can I Turn for Peace”.

“This song is kind of a life story for me.” She said.

We started. I was enjoying it as much as she was…singing with someone. Harmonizing. Making music. As we finished the final verse, her voice trailed off. I finished the last notes on my own “Constant He is, and kind. Love without end.”

I turned toward her after I lifted my hands from the keys. Her eyes were closed and tears were streaming down her face.

“Thank you.” She whispered. “I needed that today.”

We talked for a bit longer… about discouragement, about peace, about waiting, about accepting.

And then I said my goodbyes and hugged her as I walked out the door.

I am so grateful that I listened well enough to hear the spirit tell me stop and linger a little longer with her.

 I needed that today too.

Snapshots

• While running errands in Provo, Ashlyn and I stopped by my office to grab a few things I needed. As I set the alarm and hurried her out of the building she asked "Why do we have to go so fast?" I replied "We have to get through the second door in 30 seconds before the alarm turns on. If we don't, the alarm will go off." Ashlyn; "And then what would happen? Would your boss have to come down and fix it?" Me:"Yeah. And I'd be in BIG trouble." Ashlyn: "Oh." She pauses thoughtfully. "So what would he do? Give you extra chores?" :)
• Me: "Ashlyn, why did you change your pants?"
  Ashlyn: "Because my skinny jeans were making my butt hurt."
  Mmmm...Kay.
• Last night in the car Maryn was whining, and complaining, about something...again...perpetually. It wasn't long until I heard myself speaking these words out loud to her; "Dear Maryn. Please stop it. Love, Mom." Maryn promptly replies "Dear Mom. There's nothing you can do about it. I'm twelve and hormonal. Love, Maryn."
• I was dishing Ashlyn out some soup into a dish he had retrieved herself. As I scooped she informed me she had grabbed the bowl from the cabinet beneath where she had been sitting on the counter...using her toes. I both impressed at her dexterity and grossed out at the same time.

• Paul points this out at the restaurant we stopped at. "Look. That's what I'm going to do when I grow up." Maryn: " I think I'm going to throw up." Paul: "Ah come on. You know you think their good looking." Maryn: "No! They're hair is long and their chests are hairy. Gross." Paul: "Sure. But at least their not picky." My kids crack me up.

Feeling Good

So my kids are a little rough on electronics. As a result, I have been without a home computer for quite some time. And it has been terrible.

Why? Because I have 2 ways to decrease and manage stress in my life; music (piano specifically) and writing. I currently do not have a piano, so that's not an option. And without a computer, I also had that outlet taken from me.

I have been less then happy. But now, I have a computer again. And I already feel more relaxed just thinking of the possibilities. I can write again! I can push my thoughts and feelings and struggles and triumphs out into the great oblivion and out of my own head which is the mental equivalent of decluttering. 

And so, thus will begin a series of backstories and long past moments that simply need to be shared somewhere. Enjoy. I know I will.

The Opportunity to Wait

One of the new interns I work with works in the temple in Provo, helping in the baptistery on Thursday nights. I asked him how busy it was. He commented that when his shift first started at 4 p.m., it wasn't bad at all, but as the evening progressed it got busier. He mentioned that during the later evening hours, those who came to participate would find themselves with the opportunity to wait for long periods of time.

I laughed at first, since for an impatient person like me the thought of viewing any kind of time where I would be forced to do nothing but contemplate my own thoughts and feelings as more like annoying and less like an "opportunity". I mean obviously the only way to accomplish something is to actually be doing something, right?

But it really only took me a minute to step away from that original thought. What better place was there to wait than the temple? There are no electronics, no chores or to do lists looming. Everyone whispers and so there is nothing but peace. Its really the perfect chance to step away from the busyness of life, and have a moment of one-on-one time with my Savior, and be given the chance to really dig into the pools of self reflection with very little distraction. Waiting is a chance to calm the waters of the soul, evaluate and plan, prepare, reflect and adjust. In the stillness, the spirit is louder and your comprehension more clear.

Most often though, its not moments in a peaceful place filled with the spirit of love that brings my mind, heart and body to the necessity of waiting. I mean, waiting in a tangible place for your turn to fulfill a known purpose and do something specific having an approximate idea of when and how and where the waiting will cease...is far easier to do with a measure of patience than the kind of waiting I'm usually forced to do. 

I see where there are certain things in my life where I want things to progress. I really want it to be my turn and it feels like I am endlessly hoping that the front of the line is getting closer even though as far as I can tell, the line hasn't budged in years. I tell myself over and over again that if I'm not doing something, I must not be progressing. It frustrates me to not be doing anything. But if I can find value in waiting in the temple, there may also be value in waiting in our lives. Having these lulls is an opportunity... a chance to step back, evaluate and plan, prepare, reflect and adjust. If used properly, the time can help make me ready for what will happen next. In the stillness, we can hear better the promptings and understand more clearly.  The more impatiently I wait, the longer it will take to move on. If I spend all of my mental efforts being frustrated and annoyed and wishing I was doing something, I've allowed very little of that resource to be allocated to the necessary things that will actually help me progress.

I think when we feel we are playing the waiting game, it may be because we simply aren't yet ready for the next part of the journey to begin. Another possibly is that we are trying to force something to happen that simply isn't right. In that case, the Lord kind of puts things in neutral until we figure out whatever it is we need to know and then puts the wheel back in motion when we catch up. It feels like I'm waiting for him. In truth, its most likely the other way around.

My plan from now on is to complain less about the waiting and instead look at it as a chance to get ready. My grandmother added a little nugget of wisdom to this; "I find time resolves most things."

Oh so true. And time can only pass when you wait for it to pass. I will take advantage of the opportunity to wait.

All I want for Christmas

We had a wonderful several days of Christmas. It all started on Sunday evening, when we journeyed north to David's brother Aaron's home. He invited us to join him and his children and their families for dinner and camaraderie. My mother and father in law, Erma and John, were there as well. I enjoyed the conversation and the meal immensely. Getting to know the family of my children's father actually helps me to understand my kids more.  Conner (and I suspect Ashlyn) has genetically been blessed with a rather impulsive based strain of ADHD, something that definitely runs in the family. Talking about it with the others who deal with this particular malady makes it a bit easier to deal with it. Its a special kind of support system. They all had little gifts for us, which was so kind. All I had to give back was a song or two. Maryn sang "Angels We Have Heard On High" with me in harmony, and then I sang "For Good" and "Grown up Christmas List". Strangely, after nearly 14 years, none of them really knew I had the ability to sing quite like that. It was a good evening with good food and lots and lots of desserts. Apparently my nephew Gentry is a master cookie maker. Good to know.

Christmas Eve I worked in the morning. A mostly quiet morning with just a few of us manning the office. I also got to deliver Meals on Wheels that day, and received smiles and greetings from 11 wonderful and happy seniors I have come to look forward to seeing every other week. I got home and Garrett joined me for a wrapping session so all was ready for the night. I threw together a cheeseball, dip, slush and a salad before heading off to my dad's brother Gary's house.

Gary and Pam are pretty wonderful people and we love them dearly. Their three youngest boys and their spouses (or girlfriends) were there, as was Pam's mother. Bryant, Garrett and Mandy came as well, and my Grandmother enjoyed the evening with us, too. We ate turkey, potatoes, stuffing, salad and Pam's famous rolls. My cousin Nate's wife Lindy made a ton of fabulous desserts we got to sample. We then adjourned downstairs and played Christmas charades followed by the sharing of memories...favorite gifts, favorite Christmases...followed by singing. It was lovely.

We headed home and the kids wriggled into their new PJ's and we quickly settled in. I was able to convince Ashlyn that what Santa really wanted was a snickerdoodle cupcake and Diet Dr. Pepper. Paul would like to convince his future children that what Santa wants is a big juicy steak.

Christmas morning comes early..as it usually does. My kids are against the idea of waiting past 6 a.m. to get up and open gifts. But I enforced a 6 a.m. rule. Well, kind of enforced. Maryn started coming in and giving me updates about how close we were to 6 a.m. about 15 minutes before the actual time.  The kids were enthusiastic and cheerful as they opened their gifts. Everyone got Poptarts and an electric toothbrush (I refuse to buy Poptarts at any other time of the year)

Paul: iPhone,electric razor, remote control helicopter, Orson Scott Card book, a Pleasant Grove Vikings tshirt and a pair of pants (and another shirt)

Maryn; iPod Touch, Silver Bob shoes, Straightener, new coat and a new outfit with leopard print jeans

Conner: Skylanders game and figures for Wii, Angry Birds Air Swimmers, mini remote control car, Beywheels and stadium, new shirts

Ashlyn: iPod Touch, Lego "Friends" house and car, a new outfit that is pink and sparkly and therefore totally her, snow pants, a fish lava lamp

I got a griddle from my sweet Maryn. She had earned her own money to buy it for me. And some socks and lotion as well. Paul gave me a movie and I got pretty hair things from my 2 youngest. But the best gift was from my oldest. After helping me place the gifts under the tree, we stood back and I briefly lamented it didn't look like much (the kids gifts get smaller but more expensive the older they get). He wrapped his arms around me and said "Mom, you are doing a good job. You're a great mom. Anything you can give us is enough." Darn I love that boy.

After we cleaned up, I started making a rather amazing smelling coffee cake to take to Becky's for Brunch at 10. Most of my Downs family was there and the coffee cake was a hit and everyone raved over it. Even though Conner accidentally stepped on it on the way over. See exhibit A below.

I am buried in gratitude for my family. I have 2 cousins who are about Paul's age. Here they are hanging out. They will all 3 be gone and on missions within the next year and a half. Its kind of cool. And they also happen to be friends.

Later in the day, around 2:30, my siblings came over and we got a few more fun things. The boys got Star Wars mugs with hot chocolate, Ashlyn got lip gloss and Maryn got stuff for glitter toes. I got a chick flick and speakers for my iPhone. They also brought the gift from my parents; a soda maker with 4 bottles of syrup flavoring. 

We simply chilled. And played with toys.

And drank slush. And ate homemade pizza and cheeseball. And watched White Christmas. And then many of us went to go see Les Miserables. It was a great movie, except that we were sitting so close I actually got motion sick.

It was a wonderful Christmas.

Christmas Eve

I recognize that its true...I haven't documented any of the goings on in our lives lately. I have a legitimate excuse. No really. I do.

I have been busy.

First of all, I finished my Masters Degree. That was huge. Second. Work has been crazy. And the truth is that our computer is somewhat misbehaving. It types terribly. And it makes it difficult to blog. I also find that by the time I get home and get through the evening, I am simply exhausted. And I have been trying to be present in my kids lives with limited success.

But this Christmas Eve I want to look past the controlled chaos that is my life and focus on something. Another friend who is brilliant blogger (here is her blog is you wish to check it out) mentioned in a post yesterday, how Christmas will simply magnify what is going on in your life. If you are struggling, your struggles will seem greater, If you are feeling blessed, the blessings will also seem more than you can hold in your life.

We are somewhere in between, and it completely depends on which side of our lives you look at. I feel both blessed and frustrated at alternate times. It depends on the day. Sometimes the moment. And I think that's okay. Because I think pushing through each day with a blind belief that all is ALWAYS well is not realistic. And possibly unhealthy. Life is messy. And I'm pretty sure its messy on purpose. And often, blessings and struggles walk hand in hand on the same pathway.

Here are some examples:

I miss my parents and my siblings in Ohio. Sometimes so much it hurts. But I am so grateful for my brothers and my sister who are here. They are a continuous blessing in my life and a pleasure to be around. As are my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I love them so much. My life here without them would be different. We are finally close to David's family. We are taking the opportunities as we can to continue to build strong and valuable relationships with them. I am so grateful for that.

We have a ward with a small youth program. But my kids have amazing leaders who love them and have created personal relationships with my them. And so my kids love them right back. My kids miss their cousins, but have made friends near us. We have wonderful people in our ward who have become wonderful friends. Is life not more full in general with good friends?

Speaking of friends...how great is my job? I confess, I wish I could make more money. But I feel overly blessed to be in the office I am in, to be surrounded by the people I know, to have them in my life. It is worth the pay off. I never dread going to work. I like what I do, and I happen to be very good at it. Its a good combination that leaves my career life lounging comfortably in a valley of satisfaction.

Things are tight financially. It seems they always are. Yet we always seem to work it out in the end. And we have all the we need and some of the things that we want. Like the fact that a new PS3 mysteriously showed up on our doorstep within a day after our old one had broken. It was a bit of Christmas magic, and left us in tears at such generosity.

If I'm being honest, I wish my personal life was in a different place. It is a source of frustration for me, mostly because the Lord and I disagree on timing. But I will be even more honest; we are fine. We are more than fine. We are great. My kids are growing, and healthy, and learning, and (mostly) great and capable. We have a warm home and steady income. We have people who love us, food to eat, a car that works and opportunities before us to make our situation better.

I can not think of a more merry way to spend our Christmas.

12 Days

So there is a lot that has been happening. The funny thing is that as those days were passing in something of a daze, what was going on didn't seem like much. All the same, I decided to make a list of the highlights. As I did, I realized that even though each day hardly seemed like much alone, together, the 12 days in question created something amazing. Every single day included a name or names...people who by no accident or coincidence are part of our lives. And suddenly I saw the richness of our relationships and was indeed grateful fro each of them. 12 days of everyday life equals 12 days of reasons to be thankful. 

Day 1: September 23rd- Brigham City Temple Dedication

So we ALL got to go to the dedication. In order to go, you have to be over the age of 8 and meet with the bishop. For the first time, everyone in my family was able to attend. It was kind of neat to sit in the middle of my 4 amazing children and share something so amazing with them. 

Day 2: September 24th- The Piano Guys

So I found out Monday during the day that The Piano Guys were going to be performing that night in Heber. On an impulse, I bought tickets for Maryn and I since Steven Sharp Nelson is the reason she plays the cello. We made the impromptu trip to Wasatch High and had a wonderful time. She smiled the whole night, as did I. What an amazing concert! On the way home we stopped by Kneaders and grabbed 2 cupcakes to eat on the way home. Discovery: I like pretty much anything with pumpkin spice in it AND my daughter. Huh.

Day 3: September 28th- Football

We all went up to Heber...again...to go to a football game with the Thomas family. Zach plays the snare drum in the pep band. The Wasatch Wasps won, and we all had a good time. My friend Brian was kind enough to explain football to Conner, who thought that made the whole evening extra cool. Paul stayed the night to play video games with Zach and Kyle. 

Day 4: September 29th- A Visit with Amber

After picking Paul up in Salt Lake, we ran to West Valley to see Amber, Dave's little sister. She had been very sick and spent a few weeks in ICU. We went to give her our love and see how she was doing. She's recovering. We also saw John and Erma, Dave's parents. So glad to be nearer to them.

Day 5: September 30th- Dinner with Friends

Jessica Wilkin, a daughter of my good friend of mine from Ohio (Anita) came over for dinner as did Marcus. We had corn palak sabzi and homemade bread (which kind of turned into an adventure of its own). We had a wonderful visit! 

Day 6: October 1st- An unexpected visit

Lisa was trying to get rid of an old mattress an thought of me. Thank heaven! The mattress made my back feel way better.I was also being cranky that day, and she went and grabbed Papa Murphy's for all of us. It made the night perfect. So grateful to have her around.

Day 7: October 2nd- A night at home

We decided to watch a movie together. Maryn invited her friend Sherrae to stay. We also had chicken from Macey's, which was pretty yummy.And there was ice cream.

Day 8: October 3rd- Dinner with Deb

I got an unexpected phone call from Deb Christensen from Ohio. She was here dropping off Ben at the MTC. We decided to go out to dinner at Zupa's together. It was a great chance for a lovely visit I was very happy to have!

Day 9: October 4th- Kidnapping Tara

I had a feeling that evening, after parent teacher conferences at the elementary (the kids were doing great by the way), that my neighbor Tara might need to be kidnapped. She's pregnant with a little 3 year old girl who's quite the firecracker. I remember those days and how overwhelming they can be. I just had a gut feeling she might need a chance to escape for a bit. We ran off to Kneaders and had soup, and bread, and pie and talked. And it was lovely.

Day 10: October 5th-  Paying it Forward

Maryn went to the mall with Sherrae and tried to have a sleepover. Paul went and played at the game store. I had an eye appointment and found out I need two prescriptions. This as a result of working in front of a computer all day every day. When did I get so old? But the really great part, is that I was able to go as the result of someone rather wonderful at work deciding to pay forward a debt she owed someone else. I was the lucky beneficiary and for the first time in a while, I was able to get an eye exam. It can't even express how amazing that unexpected but well timed kindness made me feel.

Day 11: October 6th- Priesthood Session (Subtitle: My family is crazy)

So Saturday night the men and young men in our family went to Priesthood session together. The ladies and children got together at my aunt Becky's house. We had amazing soup, and rolls, and chicken, and desserts...what can I say, we do food really well. And then we played games and had a ton of fun visiting and just being together. I also got to have an unexpected text chat with my good friend Michelle from Ohio and make a new friend Lisa brought along to the festivities.

Day 12: October 7th- General Conference

Since we are currently without TV, my aunt Lisa was gracious enough to allow us to come to her house and watch Sunday conference. It was a perfect day. We watched in the mountain room above the garage, where the windows looked out over the bright and crisp day while the brightly colored leaves danced in the breeze. We had breakfast for lunch all together. And then Lisa took some of the fam on a little hike while I got the chance to play their baby grand piano. It was a day full of contentment. That is a good thing.