So I have been on a timeout.
I left last Tuesday and will head home tomorrow.
I didn't even realize until today that I had been living the last few months in a haze or fog. I barely remember it.
A few weeks ago I went to see the doctor about adjusting my medication.
And he recommended I go be evaluated for some inpatient treatment.
During the evaluation we determined it could go either way.
And we decided the benefit I would reap from inpatient - solitude and time - could be obtained other ways.
So I bought a ticket to Phoenix.
It was a very hard thing to face, and a true wake up call for me.
It was difficult seeing the paperwork openly state "Chiara has Major Depressive Disorder" and to admit to myself that I am sick. Very, very sick.
I have the spend the last week of solitude journaling and reading. Being. Breathing. Learning.
Its amazing how clear your mind becomes when its emptied of all the clutter.
And I realized the bad habits and thought processes that made me ill. And for the first time in a long time I feel clear. Well...clearer. I didn't even realize I had been living in a fog. A haze of shame and negativity. I barely remember that past few months. Its like I was watching someone else live my life.
So here I am. Sitting on the deck and watching the water. Enjoying the beautiful weather. The shade. The sounds. The smells.
I am learning the benefit of stillness. Of doing one thing at a time. Of letting go of all or nothing thinking. Of simplifying. And I hope that will make it easier for me to be well.
I have had so much support: my marvelous husband, my aunts Becky and Angela, my older kids, my family, Melody, Marcus and Jeff of course.
It helps to be able to see what a blessed life I have.
