I realize that although a majority of my blog is dedicated to cute kid stuff, today, I have something serious to say.
At the risk of opening a can of worms…ahh, heck, lets open this baby wide open. I don’t care.
So my parents are in a branch presidency for the single adult branch in our stake, and last week in the men’s class, I guess they ended up (accidentally) having a discussion about being rejected by women. Surprisingly enough, I have heard this same conversation from the other side, which means there is an equal amount of rejectemento going on. I also remember having a young friend, whose mother stated that all she really wanted was for her daughter to find a modern-day Nephi…which would be something like a modern day Paul or Peter for my non LDS friends.
I hear a chorus resounding from all of the singles in the world (myself included) :“I want someone to accept me for who I am, and love me despite all of my shortcomings and imperfections!” This, in and of itself, is not an incorrect thought. We are all imperfect, and we are daily judged and categorized by these imperfections. Some of them we can’t do anything about; A little too short, a little too chubby, not really pretty enough, already been married, too many kids, bad choices in the past, didn’t serve a mission…a small list of things that make some of us, in the eyes of others , unmarriable. So we go around proclaiming that our needs are simple, we want to be loved for our individuality. The problem with this is that we are not willing to grant the same benevolence to others. The very judgments we abhor are the same ones we hold others to as well. We make these lists of things we feel we want or deserve to have, and somewhere along the way, we started pushing people off the list of possibility because they didn’t have some of those things.
Let’s discuss this list. Let’s pretend for a minute, there was a machine you could put your list of requests into and out popped your perfect mate. Now write it down, every single quality you desire. Don’t hold back, this is after all, make-believe. We are talking absolute perfection, remember. Got it? Good. Mine would go something like this; tall, handsome, 6- pack, funny, charming, wealthy, sweet, kind, gospel centered, has a testimony, dark hair, skin and eyes, fix-it guy, good cook, does laundry without complaining, good father, temple recommend, mentally stable…oh I could go on and on and on. We are, after all, talking about my happiness for this lifetime and possibly the next, so it’s only fair I make this list extensive, right? Now take that list, and, being brutally honest, put that entire list in order from least important to most important. This might take a while depending on how long your list is. Is Taylor Lautner’ s body a nice-to-have or a necessity? Sadly, I put 6-pack abs and dark hair, skin and eyes on the bottom. Donald Trump holds no appeal for so I guess wealth goes next. The process continues until I have prioritized my list. Now for the tricky part. Look at your list. Put the thumb and pointer fingers of each hand in space below the quality marked as number 3…and tear it off. Keep the little piece of paper…and crumple up the rest of it and throw it away, or burn it. Get rid of all of it. Yes that’s right, every single quality is gone expect for the top 3.
My little piece of paper reads something like this: Mentally stable, Kind, Temple Recommend Worthy (which covers a lot of little things…tricky, huh?). And that’s it. So everything else, now in the trash bin or in ashes, is not as important as these 3 things…which means they should not matter, right?
Theoretically, yes, that’s right. I know, deep inside of me, what it takes to make a marriage work. And, so do the rest of you when you are honest with yourselves. And those three things would cover it. So why do we, and I mean this generally, keep dredging up the bottom of the list (you remember the part we took a flame to?), when we start making our decision regarding a spouse. I could meet someone who has the big three, but throw them out because they are lacking #10 or # 45, because even though it’s not part of my list, it’s still part of my mindset.
But methinks I heareth protest. “I should also be physically attracted to the person I marry!” and then to the side you cough and say “But I know looks aren’t everything”. And I know which of us is coughing to the side…the ones who have been told they aren’t pretty enough, or are too fat, or are too short or not enough of whatever. So we’re right back to the “love me for who I am but I want a greek god as my intimate partner” mode. Let me let you all in on a little secret. The stronger you feel about a person emotionally, the more attractive they become to you. Your soul becomes attached to theirs and you want to make that attachment it deeper, because of how it makes you feel and you want to feel more of it. I agree you should be attracted to that person…procreation after all, is a commandment…but many people keep making that “instant attraction” the first requirement of relationships instead of growing into the attraction. Anyone will tell you, whether its oatmeal, hot chocolate or relationships, instant is never as good as the kind that takes some time to prepare.
And yet, I hear another protest. “I should never settle for less then I deserve.” Ah, here we are. We are about to hit the nail on the head here. What you deserve. Well, let’s be honest. What do you deserve?
Let’s go back for a moment to my young friends who wanted a modern day Nephi as her eternal companion. I turn the question over; I think the question is not what kind of person was Nephi, so she knew what to look for, but the real question is ; What kind of person was Nephi’s wife that she deserved to have him? We know so little of her, but the few glimpses we catch through the narrative are impressive. She must have had an enormous amount of faith and patience to endure what she did. Love and compassion to be the companion of the leader of nation and to offer the support she did. We know Nephi himself, speaks of his marriage and says he felt greatly blessed. What a remarkable woman she must have been. So, did being married to Nephi make her remarkable because being his wife required her to be amazing? I suggest that this is not so. Marriage will only make us more of who we are. Out of all the daughters of Ishmael, Nephi chose her because of how he felt around her, because of who she was. And, I submit, she chose him for the same reasons. She had discovered (due to some nasty business on the way back to wilderness from Jerusalem) that his values and priorities were closely aligned with hers. Neither Nephi nor his lovely wife became who they were because they were married to each other. They were already who they were. They had groomed themselves from the time they were young to be the kind of person God wanted them to be, and when the time came, because of their faith and perseverance on that path, they got what they deserved.
So what if beauty and wealth are in your top 3? Well, I suggest you become those things if you want to have them. If you want it, you must be it. If you are not it, don’t expect to get it. Not if they aren’t in your top 3. You may still get a rich greek god like person, but it won’t be because it’s who you are, but because they happen to have those qualities in addition to your top 3.
There is however, one more important element here: choice. So you not only have to find it, you have to choose it which means you put your feelings into ACTION. And even after you have made the choice once, you have to choose it over and over again. If you choose that person, over and over again, every day of your life (and they return that choice), and then act on it…you will be happy. You will be beyond happy. You will be fulfilled.
True, you run the risk of having that other person stop making the choice, but that is beyond your control. We all have agency. It is one of the great eternal principles upon which the plan of happiness is based. Which means you may, at some point, be hurt by someone else’s choices. That doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice if your original choice was made on sound principles and priorities. And it doesn’t mean every person with these qualities will make the choice at the same time you do. It just means when you have a compatible top 3, it’s a possibility you can choose each other and be happy.
My concern is that there are way too many people who never give that compatibility a chance because they are so caught up in the stuff further down the list they wish they had but realize ,way deep down, have about the same purpose as a mittens in Tahiti. If you get to know each other and realize your top three don’t fit, then fine, move on. And don’t try and MAKE your top 3 fit because you really like #12 or # 62 they happen to have. I’ve made that mistake as well.
The summary; Become the type of person you want to end up with. Be faithful to your top 3 (this will be harder than you think), and then choose that person every day and act on that choice.
