Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I have never, ever experienced such a range of emotions as I do as a mother. Motherhood brings you the greatest joys and drags you down to the most desperate depths of low. I’ve been at both ends, I assure you. Sometimes in the same hour. But there was never a clause in the mothering oath that told me about the strange emotion where you experience the best and worst feelings in a single moment; that mood known as bittersweet.
I guess part of me knew this, but I never realized there would be as many of those middle of the road moments in the process of mothering as there actually are. Today, I had a few.
One was the 5th birthday of my baby. I found a picture of her cradled in my arms, close up, binky in her mouth, cheek against my shoulder. It was at her daddy’s funeral. It had been a very long day. It feels like eons ago, but it seems like only yesterday.
Part of me is so happy that she’s growing up…becoming more independent, stronger, smarter. And the other part of me is sad because it signifies the end of an era for me. My toddler years are done with. I’m moving into a new part of my life.
The second was the departure of my oldest daughter to Utah. She was so excited, and I was excited for her. Plus, I get a break from the daily mother daughter sass battle. But I also realize how much she helps me, and how much I’ll miss her while she’s gone. I know she’s old enough to do this, and handle it beautifully…but it did get a little hard when Ashlyn threw herself into Maryn’s arms sobbing, “I don’t want sissy to go! Stay home sissy!” Maryn gathered her up, tears on her own cheeks and told her she loved her and she’d be home in 3 weeks. It was a beautiful moment for me as a mother, twisted with the sadness of sending my daughter away for such a long time.
And now, I’m simply tired.
So, over the past few days, my kids have said some funny little things that I tell myself I will never forget. I know I will eventually…they’re fading as we speak. So I thought I would write them down so I can have them always.
So, for her birthday, I gave Ashlyn something she hardly every gets; bubblegum. Later that night, she was chatting with me about all of the great things she got. She brought up her cool bubblegum, and I pointed out that one of them was watermelon flavored. She perked up and said, “Really? What does it taste like?” Uhhh…watermelon?
She then proceeded “Do you know what flavor of gum I think would be good? Grape cantaloupe.”
To understand the next story, you must first understand that today has been the long awaited 5th birthday…the day in her mind, when she becomes grown up and “big”. She came out of the bathroom, and had her wet hands held up to show me. “Mom,” she exclaimed, “My hands are still small! I thought they were supposed to be big now!”
So yesterday we were watching the movie “Follow Me Boys”. There’s a part in the middle that shows boy scouts hiking, and to scoot the passage of time, several different years flash over the screen montage like…1932, 1936, 1940, 1944. Maryn’s eyes get really big, and she tugs on my arm, “Did they really walk for THAT long?”
Then today, our sitter Erica stopped by our house to pick up my empty water bottles before heading over to Melanie’s to help her with cleaning. The empty jugs aren’t heavy, just awkward. So I told Maryn to go help Erica. Well, moments passed and Erica left, and Maryn didn’t come back in. I called for her, and looked around…and couldn’t find her. I finally called Erica, and she was with her!
“Doesn’t she have permission to be here?” she asked.
Evidently Maryn had told Erica I said it was okay for her to go. I then gave her permission to go to Mel’s. It wasn’t worth Erica turning around.
But, lo and behold, 5 minutes later the blue suburban is back in my driveway and my daughter comes bopping through the door.
I told you you could go. Why did she decide to bring you home?
“Oh, she didn’t. I told her I wanted to come home as soon as I found out we were going over there to clean.”