Saturday, February 15, 2014

Enough

I will never forget how I felt as I considered the task before me. My husband was dead. I stared at them there… sleeping peacefully, obliviously, entangled in blankets and stuffed animals and one another on the floor in the living room… our three children. And I had to tell them.

I had to tell them that their father was never coming home again.



But for now, I let them sleep.

I went into my closet and grabbed one of his shirts, wrapping it in my hands, consuming myself with the smell of him. I started to cry, sinking to the floor as another wave of disbelief washed over me. I buried my head in my hands. The tears combined with prayers. Until both ceased to fall from my eyes and heart from sheer exhaustion. I fell asleep with his shirt next to my cheek. Awaiting the morning. Awaiting that first horrible task. Awaiting a lifetime of shattered plans. I was lost. I was confused. And I had no idea how I could live this new life that had been forced on me in a matter of moments.

The next morning, my mother sent each of the children in to me. Ashlyn was one. Conner was three. I tried to explain. And regardless of their comprehension, they instinctively felt my sorrow. And I cried as I held their tiny bodies and stroked their tiny cheeks. Grieving for them. Knowing they would always know they had a father, but would never remember him. Never know what it felt like to feel his kisses or see him smile at their accomplishments. It was an emptiness they would always carry.

But Maryn…Maryn was five. And she was daddy’s girl.
I pulled her into my lap, my arms around her as I looked into her face and said the words I had been dreading. The tears were there again. She saw them. And mine were soon joined by tiny tears of her own.

She leaned her head into my shoulder as she whispered, “Mommy?”

“Yes sweetheart.”

“I have a question. Will he still be my daddy in the resurrection?”

The spirit filled my soul. And I felt with an enormous amount of surety that the words I spoke next were absolutely true.

“Yes darling. He will.”

Her response was simple but profound.

“Then I will be okay.”

With those words, all of the confusion, the grief, the loss, the emptiness…was lightened. And it has become the basis of what I have learned over the last 8 years since that moment. It is, above all else…the one thing I KNOW.

I will be okay.

And I will be okay for the same reason that my 5 year old daughter knew with the purest faith of a child that she would be okay…our Father in Heaven, through the Savior will make up the difference when what we can do and what we know is simply not enough to compensate for what is.

In Corinthians, Paul talks about how he had prayed 3 times for the Lord to remove his “thorn in the flesh”. And continually he was told no. Finally, when he asked why, the Lord replied “My grace is sufficient for you”.

Essentially He was saying…

When you are not enough. I am enough. I will fill in the gap. As long as you love me, and you try as hard as you can (even if “as you can” is different from moment to moment), I promise you that through my atonement, through my love for you… I will fill in the gap. Together we are enough.

Whether it is His willing sacrifice and resurrection that enables our bodies and spirits to be reunited and for us to be with those we love most after we have parted in this life…or whether it’s giving me enough to get through the day. Together, we are enough. And I will be okay.

I’m not going to lie. These past 8 years have been hard. And there are nights when that feeling of being lost; the confusion, the grief, the emptiness and the tears find their way back into my heart and soul. Because it is overwhelming and I do not feel up to the task. I am tired. I want this to be over. But the answer is still no. Or at least “not yet”.

And I hate that. I wish the answer was yes.  I feel like I am never enough.  It’s like running a relay race. You’re supposed to share the laps, but I simply have no one else to pass the baton to. So I often feel like I’m not running well enough to finish the race, much less win it. I am not the mother I dreamed I would be. My situation demands that I have a job. And although I love my job, I am torn every moment I am not with my children. I worry that I have not given them enough of what they need most to become healthy, faithful, independent, contributing adults…time, support, love, attention, listening, interaction, teaching, discipline.

And maybe I haven’t given them all I intended to give them. But I can tell you… where I fall short …He has filled in the gaps. I know this. I have seen it in our lives, I have felt it in our home.

We will be okay. I will be okay. Together, we are enough.





4 comments:

  1. You are amazing! I have known you for years, it was true then, it is true now. Thank you for sharing! Joleen Hansen.

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  2. This is beautiful Chiara. Thank you for putting into words, what many of us have experienced - not in the same way you have, but in our own situations.
    The Atonement is such a complex and yet such a simple demonstration of the pure love and exquisite charity of the Savior and our Father in Heaven.

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  3. Much needed words. Thank you for learning this and sharing it and pressing forward.

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  4. Chiara,

    I was half way through my mission when he left. This post really made me miss him. Thank you for your words and your journey of strength. Today I am holding onto my daughter and wife a little tighter.

    I have some very good memories of Dave. He would pick kami and I up and take us to the movies and jazz games when we were younger. He always made sure we had plenty of snacks and most important a lot of intense fun. I still vividly remember his true and sincere love. He had an amazing ability to care for others. He always had this look in his eyes as he would hug us tightly, almost a twinkle. He had an immense ability to show love as he naturally possessed that true Christ like attribute. To this day I have yet to find another like him. As I study the scriptures and see Christ deep love for the children I can't help but think of Dave. Even as an 7 year old with no real Understanding of the gospel, I knew he had a special place in God's eyes because of his loyalty and drive to feed god's sheep. He took care of those around him and taught me as a young child by example. Every time I would see him as a teenager he was very blunt and always held an informal PPI. He was dead set on me serving a mission, and being worthy to do so. His questions we short and straight to the point, do you drink? Do you keep the law of chastity? I would think to myself, geese David, at least say hi first before you go for my throat. :)

    I can only imagine how strong his love was for his own children and wife. I can't say it enough, David had the strongest Christ like attribute I have ever seen with his amazing ability to love. He was a great example to me.

    Thanks for sharing your experience, I am grateful to you for your example and strength!

    -Gentry

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