Saturday, September 22, 2012

Learning to Dance


I’m learning to dance. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m really excited for the chance to do it. Fortunately, my teacher also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
This is my partner/teacher/coworker/friend Marcus.
 He stood by my side while he showed me the basic steps. I caught on quick. Dancing alone is pretty easy.

And then it got more complicated. His arm was around my back and my hand was in his. We were connected. I was very concerned about moving the right way and at the right time. I kept glancing at my feet. Were my hands in the proper position when we turned out?  Was I rolling on the balls of my feet instead of the heal? Were my knees soft enough to let my hips turn and swivel while keeping my upper body motionless and my shoulders square to his? I was watching his hand and waiting for him to change how he held mine so I could tell when he was going to change the step. All I wanted was to be ready, trying to anticipate what was coming next.

And I kept messing up.

“You have to let me be in control.” He reminded me.

I focused more on what I was possibly doing wrong so it could be more right for him and make it easier for him to lead me. But for some reason, focusing more actually made it worse.

So I decided to try something different.

I closed my eyes.

And instead of carefully watching for the signs that things were changing and frantically measuring how I thought I was doing, I had to feel what was actually happening.

And when I let myself feel it instead of see it…when I let Marcus take control of doing what he does well…it worked. I could feel when where our hands met when he was going to pull me forward or push me back. The subtle pressure on my back told me which direction to go. I could even feel where my hand rested on his arm, the small motion that said we were going to turn out or pivot. And I knew when I came back, his hands would be there to catch mine.

When I let go, and felt instead of saw, I could actually dance.

But it was easy to trust Marcus. It was a fairly simple thing to let go and let him be in control.

I wish I could learn how to dance better in terms of my life. To let go. To trust. To feel instead of focusing on what I see and what that leads me to perceive.  He and I actually talked about it, my inability to let go and let others be in control.

It’s easier for me to let go when the stakes aren’t that high. Dancing a cha cha with one of your best friends is hardly high stakes.  However, when the potential for pain and emotional damage increases, my faith in allowing others to have any kind of say in how that pathway turns out diminishes.  Unfortunately for myself, I often include my Heavenly Father in this disproportionate faith dispersion.

And I think that may be why what I want always seems just outside of my reach. I become so focused on the right steps at the right time…on doing the right things…that I miss the soft and subtle cues that tell me to get ready to turn, or clue me in on what is really about to happen.

If I stop and close my eyes, and stop anticipating, I know I will be able to feel my Heavenly Father’s arms around me holding me up, squaring my soul to His and framing my motions. His hand will be in mine, softly guiding me and telling me when to turn out or turn around. My Heavenly Father is teaching me how to dance.

All day today, when I felt anxious about something, I would picture that feeling. I remember how secure and confident I felt in Marcus’ arms as we danced. And I would take the particular worry of the moment, and close my eyes and take a breath, and wait for the feeling of security and confidence to consume me when I pictured instead my Father’s arm around me and his hand leading me.

When I let go, and felt instead of saw, I could actually dance.

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