This has been my view

So I have been on a timeout. 

I left last Tuesday and will head home tomorrow. 

I didn't even realize until today that I had been living the last few months in a haze or fog. I barely remember it.

A few weeks ago I went to see the doctor about adjusting my medication. 

And he recommended I go be evaluated for some inpatient treatment. 

During the evaluation we determined it could go either way. 

And we decided the benefit I would reap from inpatient - solitude and time - could be obtained other ways. 

So I bought a ticket to Phoenix.

It was a very hard thing to face, and a true wake up call for me. 

It was difficult seeing the paperwork openly state "Chiara has Major Depressive Disorder" and to admit to myself that I am sick. Very, very sick.

I have the spend the last week of solitude journaling and reading. Being. Breathing. Learning. 

Its amazing how clear your mind becomes when its emptied of all the clutter. 

And I realized the bad habits and thought processes that made me ill. And for the first time in a long time I feel clear. Well...clearer. I didn't even realize I had been living in a fog. A haze of shame and negativity. I barely remember that past few months. Its like I was watching someone else live my life. 

So here I am. Sitting on the deck and watching the water. Enjoying the beautiful weather. The shade. The sounds. The smells. 

I am learning the benefit of stillness. Of doing one thing at a time. Of letting go of all or nothing thinking. Of simplifying. And I hope that will make it easier for me to be well. 

I have had so much support: my marvelous husband, my aunts Becky and Angela, my older kids, my family, Melody, Marcus and Jeff of course. 

It helps to be able to see what a blessed life I have.