Bittersweet

I have never, ever experienced such a range of emotions as I do as a mother. Motherhood brings you the greatest joys and drags you down to the most desperate depths of low. I’ve been at both ends, I assure you. Sometimes in the same hour. But there was never a clause in the mothering oath that told me about the strange emotion where you experience the best and worst feelings in a single moment; that mood known as bittersweet.

I guess part of me knew this, but I never realized there would be as many of those middle of the road moments in the process of mothering as there actually are. Today, I had a few.

One was the 5^th birthday of my baby. I found a picture of her cradled in my arms, close up, binky in her mouth, cheek against my shoulder. It was at her daddy’s funeral. It had been a very long day. It feels like eons ago, but it seems like only yesterday.

Part of me is so happy that she’s growing up…becoming more independent, stronger, smarter. And the other part of me is sad because it signifies the end of an era for me. My toddler years are done with. I’m moving into a new part of my life.

The second was the departure of my oldest daughter to Utah. She was so excited, and I was excited for her. Plus, I get a break from the daily mother daughter sass battle. But I also realize how much she helps me, and how much I’ll miss her while she’s gone. I know she’s old enough to do this, and handle it beautifully…but it did get a little hard when Ashlyn threw herself into Maryn’s arms sobbing, “I don’t want sissy to go! Stay home sissy!” Maryn gathered her up, tears on her own cheeks and told her she loved her and she’d be home in 3 weeks. It was a beautiful moment for me as a mother, twisted with the sadness of sending my daughter away for such a long time.

And now, I’m simply tired.