Monday, June 25, 2012

Diary of a Single (Child-less) Mom



So the past 7 weeks, I have experienced something unlike anything I have ever experienced before. For the first time ever in my life, I have been alone.


And it kind of weird.


I am, by nature, a social person. So being alone isn’t necessarily my favorite thing to be.  


Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times as a single mother that I have YEARNED to be alone. Just for a day. Just for an hour. For 10 minutes so I can go to the bathroom.


I had dreams of what it would feel like to be alone. I imagined constant peace and tranquility. Oh, the sweet, sweet freedom that would be mine if I was alone. The things I could do! The places I could go! The food I could eat without fear of it being devoured by a teenaged son when I turned around away from it for 10 minutes!


It was my perfect vacation. Alone time.


When I moved into my condo the beginning of June (I had previously been living with Garrett and Mandy) my dream vacation became a reality. And for the first 4 or 5 days, it was as amazing as I had hoped. I did what I wanted, when I wanted to.  I went places that I felt like going to when I felt like going to them. The couch was mine, my bed was mine, my room was mine, the TV was mine. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. There was no whining. No arguing. No Spongebob Squarepants in the background. No one standing outside of the bathroom door asking for something or complaining about someone. 
Actually, there wasn’t much of anything.


Except an exceptional amount of silence. 


That got old real fast.


Suddenly, there wasn’t any reason to come home because there was no one there. No one to greet me, to smile at me, to hug me. There was nothing to do because there wasn’t anyone to do anything for. No one needed me. And I was used to being needed.


And it was during this time that being alone started to get on my nerves that something became very clear; I wasn’t meant to be alone. I wanted to be a mother. I loved being a mother. Even more, I loved being THEIR mother. I needed my kids. My life was not the same without them. I would not be who I was without having them in my life. Not having them felt empty.






It was an epiphany. And part of the reason I am writing it down and preserving it on my blog is because I know that at some point in the future I will NOT feel this way. And on those days when I am overwhelmed and frustrated and tired, I want to look at that paragraph again and remember how it felt to be without them. Maybe I can be renewed in my conviction to be as good a mother a possible if I can remember.


Okay, so part one to the story is I want my kids and I want to be a mother. Part 2 of this story, however, is that even once I realized it, and acknowledged the emptiness…I decided to take advantage of the situation instead of wallowing in the loneliness. 


And so I decided to have adventures. They are simple adventures really, but they kept me occupied. And they mostly rotate around people that I love and have had the chance to connect and reconnect with. So that mean they haven’t been meaningless experiences, but rather enriching ones. 


Here’s the list…


  • Go to the temple with Grandma Thacker and Garrett. Met a 95 year old man who goes every Friday, and was walking faster than the rest of us.
  • Dinner with my dear friend from high school in Evanston, Brenda Smith. We had a wonderful time at Zuppas, reconnecting and talking like we’d never been apart. It was really great.
  • Dinner at Cheesecake Factory at City Center with my friend Emily Anderson. She’s trying to finish a divorce up, and it’s nice to be able to spend time with her and talk through things both of us are dealing with.
  • Dinner with Emily at Thanksgiving Point at the Harvest Restaurant and the movie “Brave” afterward.
  • Midsingles Talent Show with my cousin Susan. Dinner at Kneaders beforehand.
  • Also spent the night at Susan’s and went to her Midsingles ward with her the next day. That was…interesting.
  • Dinner at Zuppas with Susan and my new friend Amy Beenfield (from Ohio!) and then a session at the temple with Susan, where we saw my dad’s brother. 
  • Volunteered at an event associated with a program at United Way. Great time chatting with a couple of interns who are very nice indeed. Connected with a nice black lady from Cleveland who joined the LDS church and then moved here where she met her husband. We exchanged numbers.
  • Spent an afternoon with my grandparents and another evening. Enjoyed a chat with them.
  • Went to Heber with my Grandma Thacker and Aunt Joyce to get flowers off of the graves. Interesting history lessons ensued.
  • My Grandmas Thacker’s 80th Birthday Party!
  • Temple Session with my cousins Ethan Gale and his wife Hillary. Dinner afterwards at Golden Corral.
  • Met Dave’s parents at his grave on Memorial Day. Did you know Polynesians hang out all day their loved one’s grave and play games and have a BBQ?
  • Stopped for an afternoon in West Valley and visited with Erma, Dave’s mom.
  • Several fabulous Sunday dinners at my aunt and uncle’s house (Pam and Gary)
  • Davey Glove’rs missionary farewell in Morgan. Lovely visit afterward with my Grandma T.’s brother Lynn and his wife Eileen.
  • My cousin Kade’s pre-wedding dinner (Hawaiian theme!)
  • Kade’s wedding and reception.
  • My cousin Dixie’s wedding. Dinner at Maddox in Brigham City afterward with Grandma T, Pam and Gary, my cousin Mandy and her 2 kids and Susan and her mother Donna.
  • The Avengers with Garrett.
  • The Avengers with Garrett and my friend Brian. We walked into a restaurant beforehand that was serving everyone for free that day. I had already paid for the movie tickets. The boys ended up paying for nothing.  Seriously?
  • Papa Murphy’s and an evening of visiting with my brother Bryant.
  • My sister Amy’s birthday with a Twilight cake.
  • Temple session with Brian and then dinner with my Grandma T., dad (who was here for her birthday), Bryant, Garrett, Mandy, Amy, Ben and Sara.
  • The Farmer’s Market in SLC and the Chalk Art Festival at the Gateway. Oh, and” Iggy’s” for lunch, Orange Julius just because, and “Men In Black 3”. All in one day!
  • Lunch with Hayley Bisseggar (used to be one of my young women) and lunch with John Lenahan (because he’s fun and random and I needed me some Ohio).
  • Game night with Kerry (Lenahan) and Tim Flanagan. John was “sick” and couldn’t join us.
  • Brazilian food night with my cousin Casey Broderick and his wife Becky. Becky used to teach Home Economics in High School (although it’s called something else now) and the food was fantastic.  We also played games, which was fun.
  • Just the week before Kade’s wedding, we had a girl’s game night with Angela, Michal, Grandma D., Amy, Mandy, Becky and me. It was fun!
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