Things my kids say

Ashlyn:

Me: Would you want to go to the wedding when Marcus and Jeff get married?
Ashlyn: Will there be Skittles? Then yes.

Ashlyn is cutting up a cantaloupe in the kitchen. 
Ashlyn: Ah! I finally get why they call it a cantaloupe. 
Me: Really? Why?Ashlyn: Because when you turn it like this it looks like an armadillo.



Conner:

Conner: Hey mom. I like the way you've mixed colors in that outfit. It really makes your fat blend in with your clothes.

Conner was acting as my masseur for the evening. There were a lot of knots and a lot of pain. And I kept grimacing greatly. Conner said he'd help me out by offering entertainment while he massaged. "How about a joke," he quips."What do you get when you cross a Conner with an Ashlyn." Ashlyn pipes in "I don't know. But it probably involves punching."


I stood outside my own door, my clothes soaking wet. At 10:30 at night. I had just gone to firmly rap on the window of my son, and call to him to not be afraid but to please wake up and go open the door since he had been the one to engage the lock to which I did not have a key. As he opened the door and looked at my state where I stood on the mat he stated "Why did you wake me up mom! I was asleep! And why are you wet? Is it raining?"
"No Conner. I had to run through the sprinklers to get to your window BECAUSE YOU LOCKED ME OUT!!!"*pause*"I think it would be best for me to go back to bed."

Me: Conner, you can;t eat breakfast in your underwear.
Conner: It's not a big deal mom. I'm a free man. Me: Really? You're grounded from Minecraft for the day for being gross at breakfast. How free do you feel now?

Maryn:

Me and Maryn in the store (I'm driving one of those carts). 
Me: If you love me you would get me marshmallow fluff. 
Maryn: It's because I love you that I'm not getting you marshmallow fluff. 
Me: Haven't we had this conversation the other way?
Maryn: That's why I'm mental air quoting

Maryn trying on smoothing undergarments for choir concert. "It's so tight! I can't breath." Me: "It's supposed to feel like that." Maryn: "It's supposed feel like death in the flesh!?"

Maryn's choir teacher recommended they find something smoothing for under their dresses for tonight concert. I stepped in to help with this quest. Me: "This is exactly when a girl needs her mother most." Maryn: "For fat roll management?"

My dad was tickling Maryn's knee while she was wearing her monkey pajamas. 
Maryn: Stop it! Carl does not approve.
Grandpa: Who's Carl?
Maryn: The monkey. *pause* I really have no idea why you are confused.