Seriously...

So today was seriously one of those days. Slept like crap. Got up at 6 when I really wanted to get up at noon. Read my scriptures (which was actually fine). Showered because I smelled like campfire from last night and although it was fairly cool in the house (and 45 degrees outside) I got all sweaty last night. Sigh. Started some laundry, emptied the dishwasher, got my kids up for school. Or more accurately, dragged their sorry fannies out of bed after asking them to get up for 15 minutes. Got Conner and Ashlyn dressed despite their protests of my choice of clothing for them. Helped get breakfast. Read scriptures as a family. Nearly miss the bus. Off to school! Remembered I told the missionaries I would fast today…after I ate. Decided to fast the rest of the day. Finished my paper which was overdue and entailed me creating a survey to measure attitudes towards something of my choosing. Consider changing topics to attitudes about large families and rewriting the whole thing. Sigh again. Field several calls from siblings while trying to finish paper. Begin work on new facebook page for business and new blog. Get ready to go to every woman’s favorite appointment with a brand new doctor. Try to figure out on the way how to pay the rent for August I still haven’t paid. Wish the money tree in the back yard would sprout. Mel reminds me rent for our office is due tomorrow. Money tree where are you now? And by the way, I’m behind on blogging, behind on formatting some new stuff for the website and behind on conducting interviews to create more new stuff. The job I was hoping for is wavering a little, at least they’re moving slowly. Get demanding text messages from ex-husband. Look at to –do list again. Realize I haven’t even touched it. Get to doctor appointment and hear them tell me my blood pressure is a little elevated.

Ya think?

You are ALL invited...

I just started a new blog and want to invite everyone to check it out!

Here's the link:

http://thefamilyfunfinder.blogspot.com/

Have fun!

Football game

So Paul had his first football game tonight. Okay, it was a scrimmage with Fort Recovery. Clayton came over after work and we went over tp the field right after supper. Paul was happy he (meaning Clayton) was there. Maryn, Conner and Ashlyn also went ,as well as Alexa. Mel, Claira and James stopped by later when they came to get Lex.

So he played quite a bit. A lot of D. Some offense.

Here is his first big move; A little water bottle action on the sidelines.

I like it because he looks so manly...I can't believe how grown up he is!

Keep in mind he's # 71. So here he is getting mixed up a little with some guy in purple. He's the one with his gray shirt hanging out. He knocked this guy down a few times. Who then got tired of being pushed over and knocked Paul over once. To which Paul got mad and knocked him down again. I told him in football...mad is a good emotion. I also have picture of him on the ground which he asked me not to include.

And here's the snap!

He asked if this one could be his football card picture :)

I was so proud of him! He played hard and fairly well. He made some mistakes, but that how you learn.

He was also a drippy soggy nasty mess when we picked him up afterward. He climbed in the car and the entire aroma changed. He said that was nothing; the line down where they all sat and all the 7th graders kept their sweaty gear evidently smelled mostly like cow manure.

Ah, the sweet fragrance of manly stench.

Lost

Yesterday Conner found out he has a knack for getting lost.

First, after school, he got on the wrong bus. Bus 10 instead of Bus 2. He didn’t recognize any of the people, and it took him a few minutes to realize it was the wrong bus, and then he got off and went to the right bus, but was a little upset because he had been confused and afraid they would leave him alone at the school. That night in his prayer he asked Heavenly Father to help him not get on the wrong bus again.

Later, we dropped Paul off at church for youth activity and went to the grocery store. Somewhere, in an isle where I was looking at lotion, he decided to go to the bathroom. And he didn’t tell me he going. I knew he had to go and told him we would go in a second. I guess he thought that meant he could right now by himself.

When I realized he was gone, I thought maybe he had gone to the bathroom, so we went there. He wasn’t there. So I left Maryn and Ashlyn at the front desk just in case someone found him and started searching the isles. I found him with an employee in the back near the meat. Turns out he did go the bathroom, then came back to where he thought I was. But he was smart and found someone who worked there and told them he couldn’t find his mom.

When I found him, he ran into my arms and cried. “I told you to stay there in the lotion!” He stayed close to the cart the rest of the trip.

The First Day of School

The first day of the rest of my life begins today…and it’s the day I’ve been waiting for.
All of my kids are in school!
14 long years. It has finally happened. It has been a mix of emotions really. I was excited, then sad. Then I was excited again.
For about 25 seconds this morning, I was sad again. I watched my baby walk down the driveway. She was so excited, she didn’t even demand the usual 10 kisses and hugs at parting. She was more worried about getting to the bus.

I have to admit, I really enjoyed my day. I got more done in the 3 hours after they left then I did all summer it seems. My house is clean. My work seems manageable. All is well.

Here is a picture of my four scholars in their first day clothes in front of the school sign. Paul, for those who want to know, is 5 foot 10 and weighs 198.

More about his football career tomorrow when we go to his first game!

Sugar and Spice

Ashlyn is an oxymoron...she can be a real pain. She can be very whiny. Everything is a tragedy. She cries several times a day.

And she is also my baby.

She gives tons of hugs and kisses. And has funny faces and angel eyes.

Here's a look at the best side of my daughter.

Conner's Birthday

So Conner's Birthday was weeks ago, and I'm finally getting around to blogging about it. August 2nd was a Sunday AND his birthday, so we just invited a few people, had hot dogs hamburgers and dirt cupcakes.

The party from left is Claira, Mel and James, Alexa, Conner, Maryn, Elder Stephenson, Charlie Yingst, Elder Rasmussen, Chris Delepine, Maddie, Kirk, somebodys head....Crystal and Trevor Delepine

The missionaries gave him a little medallion and this was the only other gift he got was a beginners chess set. Now before you have a pity party for him and everything...we found a fabulous clearance sale on Game Cube games and he got 6 new games.

And this is a sign Maryn got up early that morning and made for her brother. It was so sweet! She got up at 5, made the sign, set the table for breakfast and went back to bed until all of us got up several hours later.

My cute little nephew

So I discovered a wonderful feature on my camera where you hold the button down and it takes picture continuously. I experimented on James (Melanie's baby boy) at the park. Such a cute little monkey.

El Tigre

So, per an agreement I made with Maryn in an apparent momnet of insanity, we now have a new kitten. We have another cat, Fumasa, a gray cat (who by the way is extremely unhappy and bitter about this new addition) who has swirls in her coat. Fumasa is Portugese for smoke. So, in keeping with the established theme, we decided to give this cat a Portugese name as well. His name is Tigre (pronounced tee-gray). Alas, he is very cute right now. But I know he will grow into a big cat someday. I have made it very clear to Maryn we will not be getting a new kitten every time a cat grows up.

A chain of events...

So it’s been a while since I blogged any pictures, or anything about everyday life with my kids really. So here it is, me getting back to my reality. And we begin with chains.
Ashlyn is 5, and will be in kindergarten soon. Very soon. But apparently not soon enough for her. I was tiring of daily, multiple time daily, being questioned about exactly when the day or promise would arrive. So I figured a visual reminder would ease the asking.
So we made a chain with every date on it. I included words on the special days like going to grandma’s and Miciah’s. Then we hung it from the ceiling. Hopefully it will help her see how long until kindergarten without asking every 2 minutes.

No, Slow, Grow, GO!

My last post got quite a response, and not quite the response I meant for it to. But I think the results were good in many ways. As one of my friends pointed out, sometimes we live our lives because of the lessons we have to learn, and sometimes we live our lives so that others may learn. I know there have been others in my life whose experiences have served as that fresh helping of perspective for me.

I want to first, assure you…I am fine. It was simply, one of those days. All of those concerns are part of my thoughts at least once a day, but not nearly as prominently as they were that day. But after reading everyone’s responses…and thank you for your encouragement and faith in me…here is what I have concluded. We have all experienced that feeling of hoping for a wish, or desire to granted.

Specifically, a righteous desire.

To clarify, a righteous desire is something that you really, really want that it is okay for you to want because you are supposed to want it. Examples; getting married, having children, getting a decent job, blessings of health and strength-these things are righteous desires. I have 2 dear friends who are about my age, who have not had the opportunity to marry yet. I think of my sister, who for 5 long years wanted nothing more than children…and although she adopted two beautiful girls, she had to wait 5 years more to realize the promise of biological children. Many who share my stories with me have at some point, or is currently experiencing, this desperate yearning. And their prayers go apparently unanswered.

I say apparently, because, outside of myself….I give very good advice. I know the pleas they offer have not fallen on deaf ears. I would tell them that I knew without a doubt that the Lord loved them and that he wasn’t ignoring them. I would tell them he could see the whole map, and they could only see the road they were on. He knew where it would turn, and where it was necessary to detour to get to our ultimate destiny. A destiny only He knows.

Then why doesn’t he give us the map? Because life is an adventure. Recently I did an interview with a woman who is a thru hiker. A thru hiker is someone who hikes long distances…like a 7 month stint on the Appalachian trail, or the Buckeye Trail which wraps around the state of Ohio. She talked about how no one, anymore, understands what an adventure is. They want instant gratification without any effort. An adventure takes work, and you must overcome adversity…before you can obtain the sense of real accomplishment.

So why doesn’t He at least give us the distance to the next rest stop? Because answers from Him come in one of four ways;

If it’s not right, the answer is no,
If the timing is wrong, the answer is slow,
If you are not ready, the answer is grow,
If everything’s right, the answer is go.

You have to wait for the go.

The key is being ready for the go when it comes!

Why I am Sad

Okay, mostly I try and focus on the good...the triumphs and successe amidst the chaos and trials. And mostly, my life is good. A little stressful, but good nonetheless.

But today was...hard.

It all started out when I went out to do yardwork. I had to cut down some monster thistles (who apparently were not told I was wearing gardening gloves and they should not hurt me...ouch), trim bushes, spray weeds, turn dead weeds into the soil, sweep the concrete parking pad thing in front of my front door and then hose it down. Although I don't mind it, all I could think about was how inside, waiting for me, were dirty bathrooms, dirty dishes and dirty laundry. And although my kids help when they can (or when I force them), ultimately, the responsibility is mine. All of it. Every last thing. From bills, to making money, to buying, preparing and cleaning up the food, to baths, to reading books to little ears, to homework, to mowing, and even prayers and Family Home Evening. If I don't do it or force.. er, I mean, ask...one of my kids to do it, there is no one else to ask. And I am tired. And suddenly, I wished I had someone else to divide to load with.

Then, I got a message on my phone from a friend who I gave Dave's old number and phone to. Now its been 3 1/2 years, but for some reason, whenever the voice mail goes into..."Your message from (fill in name here...usually with the person's voice)"...on my phone, it always leaves Dave's name in his own voice.

Usually, it makes me smile.

Today, it just made me cry.

Why? Because its unfair. Its unfair that the person who loved me, the person who I found out out after he died told all the people he had known all of his life that I was the woman he always dreamed of and wanted and adored...was inflicted with a mental illness everyone misdiagnosed and nobody knew how to treat. It left his life...and mine...in a constant state of chaos and disruption that only ended when Heavenly Father had decided we had both had enough. And I cried because now...now I have enough knowledge that I could have told someone what he had, and gotten the right treatments and the right medications, and we could have been normal. He could have been the man he wanted to be so badly, but was kept from being by his burden. I know he is that man now, unhindered by his body. But I can't see him, or feel him...and neither can my children.

And then I volunteered to watch my sisters kids so she and her husband could go on a much needed date. I also watched another friend's son so she and her husband, who had been gone all week, could have a few hours alone to talk and hold hands. I'm not sad that I did it. Helping any couple build that relationship that is foundational to every family is a privilege. I am sad, because I do not know if they will ever have the chance to return the favor (which I am sure, both of them would).

And I am sad because I hear my 7 year old son ask me; "Mommy, I want a new daddy. Can we get a new daddy now?" as he super glues himself to every man that walks through our door because he craves that male influence. I watch my 9 year old daughter on the verge of puberty struggle with how she sees herself because her main source of self esteem as a little girl can only whisper his feelings to her in her dreams that she will not even remember in the morning. I know my father was a central figure to my own feelings of self worth, and studies show that a young woman's relationship with her father has more effect on her esteem for herself then almost any other factor. I see my oldest son struggle with issues with his dad, and fight to be the example of a righteous priesthood holder in our home, when he has no constant example...someone with whom he has regular daily contact to show him how to become a good man, a righteous husband and loving father. I see a little girl, who treasures a picture of her in her father's arms, and then asks over and over again to watch snippets of a video we happened to take 2 months before he died where here dad was holding her and kissing her...and then she wants to know what its like to have a dad. Simply because she can't remember, because she was so little. These are all gaps I cannot fill. No matter how much time I spend on my knees, how many books I read about child development, or how perfect of a mother I am (which I'm not)...I will never, ever be a father. I know the Lord will support me, and fill in the gaps. But it will never be as good as if there were two. That is the way it was meant to be, the way our Heavenly Father set it up to be because it is, quite simply, the better way for children to be raised and for individuals to grow and learn.

And I am sad because although I have made peace with the past, I want to look forward to the future. I want to press on, and move on. I want my family to be "whole" again. And it would appear that the Lord has no intention of granting that petition. No matter the words from my mouth or floating toward heaven in the quiet pleas of my children...the answer for now is no.

I don't understand why.

And that is why I am sad.

Me and my dilemma; Part 2

I had a discussion with my dad about just what it is exactly school counselors do. They assign lockers, and send transcripts, and make sure everyone has the right credits and the right info for scholarships. Its a whole lotta paperwork...and I don't care for paperwork.

So it was back to the drawing board.

Here is what I know:

I was given the opportunity to possibly work for our local Domestic Violence network as their PR person. One of the things I will do is design and give a presentation on DV for both professionals who may be in the confidence of someone who is being abused, and and informative and educationl one for groups of "civilians". Thsi whole idea got me EXCITED. I wanted to do the work, and make the presentations.

I realized my favorite PSY class ever, was social psychology. Basically, its the idea that people, and their problems, and their relationships are irrevocably connected. I remember taking that class, and thinking..."You know, someone should really come up with a way to treat people with mental illness in context of their social relationships since these problems affect everyone."

And I began to wonder...is there already such a program?

Turns out, there is. And I have chosen it. Its Marriage, Couples and Family Therapy. And in a few years, I will be liscenced to practice it.

And...I am excited.

Any questions from here on out will be billed clinical rates.

Just kidding.