As Tolerated...

So there is this thing that has been on my mind over the past few days while I'm hanging out in the hospital. I've had lots of time for thinking.  

This "thing" is this concept my doctors have reviewed with me a few times as we talk about my recovery; the idea that I need to be aware of the wear and tear everyday physical, emotional and mental activity takes on my body. That I ought not to push past the level of my mind and body's ability to cope. That I should only immerse myself in life to the level that such activity can be tolerated. 

Hmmm... what is this "activity as tolerated"?

Well first of all, it's a concept I have always, ALWAYS struggled with. Mostly because for me that line of toleration is so... blurry. Now if you think of mental, physical and emotional activity on a continuum, there's that beginning part where everything is really within manageable levels. Nothing really feels like its pushing you too far or too hard. But even if you keep doing the same small things over and over again... you start to feel a little tired. Just past the land of "A Little Tired" is the country of "And Now You're Done." It's the place where you have reached your actual reasonable limits. 

If you keep pushing past that space on the continuum, you rather quickly reach a space where all of your energy has been diverted to just surviving and coping. I call it "The Exhaustion Zone". There are usually signs that you've reached that particular place, if you know what you're looking for AND if you're paying attention. 

It's like that sign in the scary forest in the Wizard of Oz. You know the part.  When they're headed toward the witches castle. And there's this ominous wooden warning;  "I'd turn back if I were you!". The lion wisely (I believe) agrees and tries to flee to avoid further problems, but his companions urge him forward. Now it appears that they are moving toward a loftier goal, something far more important than the desire to turn back now.

I live in that space on the continuum most of the time. That scary forest with the sign where I know for sure trouble is coming. And I largely ignore the sign. Because I have loftier goals. 

And in all seriousness, it's a huge problem.

Especially now, since the recovery from this disease demands that I turn back before the point of no return. It demands not only a level of self awareness and mindfulness I am unaccustomed to, but the willingness, nay... the courage... to let myself off of the freaking hook when I turn back when I see the sign. 

Bear in mind that this is a learning curve for me; to be aware of where that line of "as tolerated" actually is and then to know what to do when I've reached that line. And most importantly, how to be okay with turning back. 

It's a path I'm vastly unfamiliar with. And I feel a little nervous that I will get lost as I start the journey. Fortunately, there are breadcrumbs in the forest. 

Interesting, thought provoking little breadcrumbs.

First, when I first got to the hospital, Boo grabbed his brother and they gave me a blessing. There were a few things that stood out to me during that blessing. Boo gently told me that I needed to remember the eternal significance of things that happen now; that what I experience in the moment has meaning beyond the moment. Secondly, he told me to LISTEN to the doctors, and to to UNDERSTAND what they are telling me so that I can heal. And to be patient. 

I really hate being being patient. 

My physical therapist has become a bit of a Confucius figure for me. She was showing me some lifts and exercises to help increase strength in my legs. "Now I just want you to do 5. That's your goal. Ideally you'll want to do 20. But that's not the goal right now. Because I know all you can do is 5. This way, when you do 6, you'll feel like you've accomplished something. Instead of feeling frustrated you weren't ideal. A half marathon is better for your heart than a full marathon, even though it seems like more of an accomplishment." 
My nurse this evening, who is recovering from Gray's Syndrome, had some good thoughts about this as well. She, like me, has a hard time with the signs and the lines. But her body demanded the respite so she could recover. She said that she learned it was okay to not do everything, and to celebrate the things she did do instead of focus on the things she didn't. And she found time to create a space of peace where she journals her thoughts and feelings as well as taking the time to think of the things that are positive in her life; the things she is thankful for. 

I also stumbled across this scripture, Doctrine and Covenants 5:34:
"Yeah, for this cause I have said, Stop and stand still until I command thee, and I will provide means whereby thou mayst accomplish the thing which I have commanded thee."

If I ponder these crumbs, this is where I feel the path ends up:

1. Don't expect more than what you are capable of; and be brutally realistic. Set the bar low and be okay with it, even if you think if should be higher. And then stop comparing your bar to someone else's bar. 
2. Celebrate when you do more; let go of frustration when you do less. 
3. Be patient when you do less. No one day is a measure of your forever. It's just the measure for that day.
4. Create space and time for stillness and peace. Think about and process your thoughts and feelings. Write it down. 
5. Be consciously grateful.
6. Trust that the Lord will fill in the gaps. Allow him to do so by being willing to acknowledge you don't know everything...but He does. 

I can do this. I can discover the line of "as tolerated". And I will recover.