A chain of events...

So it’s been a while since I blogged any pictures, or anything about everyday life with my kids really. So here it is, me getting back to my reality. And we begin with chains.
Ashlyn is 5, and will be in kindergarten soon. Very soon. But apparently not soon enough for her. I was tiring of daily, multiple time daily, being questioned about exactly when the day or promise would arrive. So I figured a visual reminder would ease the asking.
So we made a chain with every date on it. I included words on the special days like going to grandma’s and Miciah’s. Then we hung it from the ceiling. Hopefully it will help her see how long until kindergarten without asking every 2 minutes.

No, Slow, Grow, GO!

My last post got quite a response, and not quite the response I meant for it to. But I think the results were good in many ways. As one of my friends pointed out, sometimes we live our lives because of the lessons we have to learn, and sometimes we live our lives so that others may learn. I know there have been others in my life whose experiences have served as that fresh helping of perspective for me.

I want to first, assure you…I am fine. It was simply, one of those days. All of those concerns are part of my thoughts at least once a day, but not nearly as prominently as they were that day. But after reading everyone’s responses…and thank you for your encouragement and faith in me…here is what I have concluded. We have all experienced that feeling of hoping for a wish, or desire to granted.

Specifically, a righteous desire.

To clarify, a righteous desire is something that you really, really want that it is okay for you to want because you are supposed to want it. Examples; getting married, having children, getting a decent job, blessings of health and strength-these things are righteous desires. I have 2 dear friends who are about my age, who have not had the opportunity to marry yet. I think of my sister, who for 5 long years wanted nothing more than children…and although she adopted two beautiful girls, she had to wait 5 years more to realize the promise of biological children. Many who share my stories with me have at some point, or is currently experiencing, this desperate yearning. And their prayers go apparently unanswered.

I say apparently, because, outside of myself….I give very good advice. I know the pleas they offer have not fallen on deaf ears. I would tell them that I knew without a doubt that the Lord loved them and that he wasn’t ignoring them. I would tell them he could see the whole map, and they could only see the road they were on. He knew where it would turn, and where it was necessary to detour to get to our ultimate destiny. A destiny only He knows.

Then why doesn’t he give us the map? Because life is an adventure. Recently I did an interview with a woman who is a thru hiker. A thru hiker is someone who hikes long distances…like a 7 month stint on the Appalachian trail, or the Buckeye Trail which wraps around the state of Ohio. She talked about how no one, anymore, understands what an adventure is. They want instant gratification without any effort. An adventure takes work, and you must overcome adversity…before you can obtain the sense of real accomplishment.

So why doesn’t He at least give us the distance to the next rest stop? Because answers from Him come in one of four ways;

If it’s not right, the answer is no,
If the timing is wrong, the answer is slow,
If you are not ready, the answer is grow,
If everything’s right, the answer is go.

You have to wait for the go.

The key is being ready for the go when it comes!

Why I am Sad

Okay, mostly I try and focus on the good...the triumphs and successe amidst the chaos and trials. And mostly, my life is good. A little stressful, but good nonetheless.

But today was...hard.

It all started out when I went out to do yardwork. I had to cut down some monster thistles (who apparently were not told I was wearing gardening gloves and they should not hurt me...ouch), trim bushes, spray weeds, turn dead weeds into the soil, sweep the concrete parking pad thing in front of my front door and then hose it down. Although I don't mind it, all I could think about was how inside, waiting for me, were dirty bathrooms, dirty dishes and dirty laundry. And although my kids help when they can (or when I force them), ultimately, the responsibility is mine. All of it. Every last thing. From bills, to making money, to buying, preparing and cleaning up the food, to baths, to reading books to little ears, to homework, to mowing, and even prayers and Family Home Evening. If I don't do it or force.. er, I mean, ask...one of my kids to do it, there is no one else to ask. And I am tired. And suddenly, I wished I had someone else to divide to load with.

Then, I got a message on my phone from a friend who I gave Dave's old number and phone to. Now its been 3 1/2 years, but for some reason, whenever the voice mail goes into..."Your message from (fill in name here...usually with the person's voice)"...on my phone, it always leaves Dave's name in his own voice.

Usually, it makes me smile.

Today, it just made me cry.

Why? Because its unfair. Its unfair that the person who loved me, the person who I found out out after he died told all the people he had known all of his life that I was the woman he always dreamed of and wanted and adored...was inflicted with a mental illness everyone misdiagnosed and nobody knew how to treat. It left his life...and mine...in a constant state of chaos and disruption that only ended when Heavenly Father had decided we had both had enough. And I cried because now...now I have enough knowledge that I could have told someone what he had, and gotten the right treatments and the right medications, and we could have been normal. He could have been the man he wanted to be so badly, but was kept from being by his burden. I know he is that man now, unhindered by his body. But I can't see him, or feel him...and neither can my children.

And then I volunteered to watch my sisters kids so she and her husband could go on a much needed date. I also watched another friend's son so she and her husband, who had been gone all week, could have a few hours alone to talk and hold hands. I'm not sad that I did it. Helping any couple build that relationship that is foundational to every family is a privilege. I am sad, because I do not know if they will ever have the chance to return the favor (which I am sure, both of them would).

And I am sad because I hear my 7 year old son ask me; "Mommy, I want a new daddy. Can we get a new daddy now?" as he super glues himself to every man that walks through our door because he craves that male influence. I watch my 9 year old daughter on the verge of puberty struggle with how she sees herself because her main source of self esteem as a little girl can only whisper his feelings to her in her dreams that she will not even remember in the morning. I know my father was a central figure to my own feelings of self worth, and studies show that a young woman's relationship with her father has more effect on her esteem for herself then almost any other factor. I see my oldest son struggle with issues with his dad, and fight to be the example of a righteous priesthood holder in our home, when he has no constant example...someone with whom he has regular daily contact to show him how to become a good man, a righteous husband and loving father. I see a little girl, who treasures a picture of her in her father's arms, and then asks over and over again to watch snippets of a video we happened to take 2 months before he died where here dad was holding her and kissing her...and then she wants to know what its like to have a dad. Simply because she can't remember, because she was so little. These are all gaps I cannot fill. No matter how much time I spend on my knees, how many books I read about child development, or how perfect of a mother I am (which I'm not)...I will never, ever be a father. I know the Lord will support me, and fill in the gaps. But it will never be as good as if there were two. That is the way it was meant to be, the way our Heavenly Father set it up to be because it is, quite simply, the better way for children to be raised and for individuals to grow and learn.

And I am sad because although I have made peace with the past, I want to look forward to the future. I want to press on, and move on. I want my family to be "whole" again. And it would appear that the Lord has no intention of granting that petition. No matter the words from my mouth or floating toward heaven in the quiet pleas of my children...the answer for now is no.

I don't understand why.

And that is why I am sad.

Me and my dilemma; Part 2

I had a discussion with my dad about just what it is exactly school counselors do. They assign lockers, and send transcripts, and make sure everyone has the right credits and the right info for scholarships. Its a whole lotta paperwork...and I don't care for paperwork.

So it was back to the drawing board.

Here is what I know:

I was given the opportunity to possibly work for our local Domestic Violence network as their PR person. One of the things I will do is design and give a presentation on DV for both professionals who may be in the confidence of someone who is being abused, and and informative and educationl one for groups of "civilians". Thsi whole idea got me EXCITED. I wanted to do the work, and make the presentations.

I realized my favorite PSY class ever, was social psychology. Basically, its the idea that people, and their problems, and their relationships are irrevocably connected. I remember taking that class, and thinking..."You know, someone should really come up with a way to treat people with mental illness in context of their social relationships since these problems affect everyone."

And I began to wonder...is there already such a program?

Turns out, there is. And I have chosen it. Its Marriage, Couples and Family Therapy. And in a few years, I will be liscenced to practice it.

And...I am excited.

Any questions from here on out will be billed clinical rates.

Just kidding.

Me and my dilemma

So, for those of you who don't know, shortly after Dave died I went back to school set and intent on getting my bachelor's degree in Psychology. I will actually walk away with 2 degrees; an associates in business and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.

That sweet, sweet moment is fast approaching...only 3 classes left! And I've managed to keep a decent GPA, around 3.6. That's lower than what I knew as typical in my younger days, but I also didn't have 4 kids and 3 jobs when I was 18.

Although I'm excited about finishing this project, a degree in psychology is basically useless in the psychology field without a masters. So I'm left with this decision...to proceed or not to proceed. And if I do proceed, where should I go?

I'm leaning toward proceeding, and I am really interested in the school counseling area of the field. I love psychology and counseling, and teaching is actually a natural part of who I am (it may be genetic...my parents are both educators and even with a PhD in something medical my brother Rob is also looking to become a teacher/ professor). This seems like a good blending of much of what I love to do and actually do well (only writing and music has been left out...but those two things are never completely out of my life anyway).

I looked around and found a fabulous program in Muncie, IN. My initial thought is that I would commute everyday the hour to and fro in order to attend classes. Then I thought about the legitamacy of actually doing that, AND being a mother, AND earning a living.

I don't think that will work well.

I've loved the convenience of the online learning environment,but since school counseling requires liscensure, which means face to face classes and field work and practicum and 600 hours of interning... online seemed an unlikely possibility.

Then I found Capella University, on the Ohio Education website under school counseling requirements nonetheless, which makes it all the more promising.

The first year is all online course work. Then you attend 2- 5 day seminars of face to face instruction and arrange your own field work with approval.

I think this will work! That gives me a year and a half ot set my life in order :)

The Answer to Everything

Yesterday, I had promised Conner and Ashlyn we could go to the park in the evening after I was oden with work and lessons. Well, when that time arrived...it was raining. And Conner was significantly upset. He was yelling and whining about how much he wanted ot go to the park and I had promised (I'm sure you've all heard the routine in person before). I pointed out, not to gently I admit, that it was RAINING and that is why we couldn't go play. Conner insisted, "But I want to go! I don't want it to rain!"

Well, okay Conner, what do you suggest I do.

He thought, only for a split second, and replied. "Pray."

Summer School

Conner was invited to take part in 2 weeks of morning summer school. His "in-betweeny kindergarten and 1st grade" teacher is Mrs. Schmiesing, who you may recall was Maryn's 3rd grade teacher last year. He was kind of excited, and wanted to come home and call sissy so he could tell her.

Which we did (come home).

Which he did (call her).

Except for one small thing; When he called his sister, he proudly announced, "Guess what Maryn. I have Mrs. Sneezing!"

I wonder what jobs the other dwarves were able to find when the economy affected thier work in the mines?