Trip to Utah: Visiting a loved one...

I Did Not Die
Author: Melinda Sue Pacho

Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

Trip to Utah: Conner's Baptism

It was one of those days that was a very good day: a jewel of moments in my life. It was extraordinary to see so many people there: people who have been a part of my life, there now to join with us and celebrate with Conner as he took the step necessary to begin the process of building the most important relationship of his life: the one with his Savior. There were about 75 people there...and the spirit was incredibly strong. Conner, the day after, told me it was the best day he had ever had. And in the weeks after, he has said the same thing over and again. And although its true he got a lot of attention and a fabulous Wii, what he recalls with perfect clarity is the love he felt; from our Heavenly Father, the Savior, his own father from the other side AND the power of the love of those who gathered to be with us on this day. Here are some pictures from those special moments:

My Aunt Lisa and cousin sage pose with Conner and th gift they gave him: a special white towel to dry off with embroidered with his name and the date.

Conner was baptized by Dave's older brother, Aaron (who also baptized Maryn)

All ready to go!

The worthy priesthood holders who stood around Conner as he received the gift of the Holy Ghost.

From Left: Gary Broderick (great uncle), Ben Curtis (uncle), Aaron Cameron (uncle), Vaughn Thacker (grandfather), John Cameron (grandfather) Conner, Bryant Thacker (uncle), Kent Cameron (uncle), Garrett Thacker (uncle)

My youngest brother Garrett confirmed Conner. He kept saying he was worried about getting through it in English since he had never done it in any other language then Portuguese. He did great!

Quote: "Mommy, I want everyone to know I will make good choices now, because I am part of the gospel."

He described the experience later:

"I couldn't stop smiling when I went into the water. I felt so happy!"

Here is the program:

Presiding:

Bishop Gary Broderick (Great Uncle)

Conducting:

Bishop Gary Broderick (Great Uncle)

Pianist:

Becky Broderick (Great Aunt)

Chorister:

Clarine Downs (Great Grandmother)

Opening Song:

“When Jesus Christ was Baptized”

When Jesus Christ was baptized
Down in the River Jordan,
Three members of the Godhead
Were present there in love.
The Father spoke from heaven
When Jesus Christ was baptized;
The Holy Ghost descended
As gently as a dove.

And now when I am baptized,
I’ll follow his example—
Be baptized by immersion
Through sacred priesthood pow’r.
Then I will be a member
Of Heav’nly Father’s kingdom
And have the Holy Spirit
To guide me ev’ry hour.

Opening Prayer:

Erma Cameron (Grandmother)

Talk :

Paul Willis (Brother)

Paul spoke very simply but eloquently to his brother directly about being baptized and being a member of the church and repentance while Conner listened attentively.

Musical Number:

“I Know My Savior Loves Me”

Maryn Cameron (Sister), Heather Cameron (Cousin), Sage Bearnson (Cousin)

They sang so incredibly beautifully! And they looked like angels!

Baptism:

Ordinance performed by Aaron Cameron (Uncle)

Witnesses

Vaughn Thacker (Grandfather)

John Cameron (Grandfather)

Interlude: Becky Broderick

Confirmation:

Ordinance Performed by Garrett Thacker

Circle

Gary Broderick (Presiding), Vaughn Thacker (Grandfather), Bryant Thacker (Uncle), Ben Curtis (Uncle), Robert Downs (Great Grandfather), John Cameron (Grandfather), Aaron Cameron (Uncle), Kent Cameron (Uncle)

I don't remember much of what was said, but I do remember Garrett specifically telling Conner his Father in Heaven and his own father loved him very much.

Talk:

Chiara Cameron (Mother)

I bore my testimony about relationships, how the word revolves around them. And how the most important one was the one we create with our Savior. I sang a song called "Perfect Love". I couldn't even look at anyone since I was so close to weeping anyway. Somehow, with the support of the spirit, I made it through, but even as I sang with my eyes closed, I could hear others crying. Later, someone told me nearly everyone had shed tears. The next day, Conner told me he loved it when I sang that song, and that he cried. i asked him if he knew why he had cried. He smiled and answered, "The Holy Spirit in my heart."

Closing Song:

“Families Can be Together Forever”

I have a fam’ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

Chorus
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

While I am in my early years,
I’ll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God’s temple for eternity.

Chorus
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

I couldn't even sing the closing song. I looked over at my son, nestled in my arms, and saw tears welling in his eyes. This was for his dad, and I knew it.

Closing Prayer:

Carolyn Thacker (Grandmother)

Heave and Thud

One of the many joys of getting ready to move is the joy of going through all the accumulated crap and tossing it in a rented dumpster. Although it’s a bit daunting, I enjoy getting rid of trash since the heave and thud involved in tossing assorted items into a big metal box is rather satisfying. This time I am determined to really get rid of all unnecessary items (the children are staying J). I plan on really, honestly, thoroughly and literally cleaning house.

But there is a catch. When you decide to purge, you have to face every single thing you’ve hung onto over the years. You relive every wasted dime (like the box of 500 piano copies I made and never used) and relish each forgotten moment (like an envelope I found with a scrawled note on it from a kind and compassionate postal worker who delivered our packages and $20 from her own pocket on Christmas morning the holiday after David died). You can’t escape it. You have to face each choice from the past, and decide whether to wallow in it or heave and thud. You get to chose what stays and what goes.

Along those lines, I asked my sister this question, “If you had go and take only one box with you (kids, hubby and food are already accounted for) and leave everything else behind you, what would you put in that box?” She thought about it for a minute and responded “Well, outside of what you just mentioned, there is nothing else I couldn’t live without.” Agreed. But for the sake of thought and argument, if you had to represent your entire life (and thereby pass it on to your children) in one box, what would be in it? What was worth holding onto more than all the others?

Okay, we did have this discussion, but what we both decided to put into our boxes isn’t really all that important to the point. The point I’m heading for happened after we had this little chat, but you need to understand the foundational discussion.

I am trying to decide what top put in my box. Not in a literal sense since we will be taking many boxes with us when we go. It is very figurative. What am I taking in my box?

It is time for me to move forward. When I made this choice I felt very strongly that if I stayed I would be fine, but that going would be better. It would be the difference between treading water (staying afloat with the sole intent of staying alive) or swimming toward something. Progressing. And you certainly can’t do that if you’re box is too big or too heavy. And here’s a little truth for you; if you have to carry around that one box, why would you want to fill it with heavy, silly things? Why would I choose to carry around a ream of paper to remind me of how stupid I was instead of the note riddled enveloped that reminds me there are good people in this world? I want to fill my box with only the things that I am willing to carry, that won’t weigh me down…things that are worth swimming with.

And that, my friends, means a lot of heave and thud. And a lot of choices.

In my sortings, I found a picture long forgotten of me, my ex husband and my oldest son sitting on a couch. We are all smiling and pulled together closely. I am 20 in the picture, and for some reason I look at that girl and want to cry. She looks so innocent and sweet…and pretty. Wow, I can’t even believe I was that pretty 15 years ago. She may not be as wise and worn as the woman looking at the picture, but she has a certain look about her I envy. One of pure, unadulterated hope. She believes that the world will be what she decides it is, partly because she doesn’t know any better. Did she know that the man with his arms around her would become the person she most feared? Did she envision the battle ahead with a second husband whose mental illness crippled their relationship and then left her alone with 4 children? Did she even comprehend the possible consequences of trying to raise four children alone when she decided to bring each of them into this world and become a mother?

It should be clear that those 15 years are thud worthy. Right?

Wrong. Because heaving it would be a symbol of regret, and regret denotes a certain amount of self loathing. And I do not regret or loathe my life (although I do regret the loss of the pretty thing…but it’s there somewhere under all the stuff I’ve buried myself under in an effort to cope with the crap). In fact, there is one thing I have learned from living in the country and that is this; it takes a lot of crap to grow good things. Without it, the fields are not rich enough for a bountiful harvest.

And so I put the picture in my box to remind me of a few things; that that young woman in the picture is not lost to me. That I can again be filled with hope and faith…and possibly be pretty again as well. That I am better now than I was then because now I know and understand that enthusiasm without direction is lost. That I am stronger than I thought I was and capable of great things. That I am, have always been, and always will be…me. And I, crap and all, am completely box worthy.

QUOTES OF THE DAY: "The Catch-up version"

Ashlyn:

• "I can't go to bed, I'm too tired!" What. the. heck. ever.
• Or here's a new one, "I can't. I felt Maryn squeeze my hair." Sigh.
• Mom, you need to stop wasting money." me- "What do you mean?" Ashlyn- "Like stop buying food and just give me $100."
• (While looking at a box of shells I bought for decoration) "Where did you get these?" ME "The store." ASHLYN "What people made them?" ME: "People didn't make them sweetie. The animals whose homes they were made them." ASHLYN (Her eyes getting round and wide) "Wow! They did a really good job!"

Maryn:

• I just offered my 10 year old 5 bucks to not whine for one day. Vehement reply: "NO! Because I know what will happen. Conner will do something and I'll get mad and then you'll yell at me for something I didn't do and I won't even last 5 minutes." LOL. Gotta have respect for a girl who knows her limitations.
• "Mom, I'm going to dry my hair and get ready to go." "But your hair is already dry." "I know." Mmmmm...okay?
• "I'm so hungry my shoulders feel empty."
• "I'm wearing root beer lip smackers and drinking root beer. Its kind of weird."

Paul:

• Me: "Paul, all my students who I talk to are stressing because of finals. Why haven't I heard you say anything about it?" Paul: "Come on mom they're girls. They're like freaking protagonists." LOL. I think he meant PERFECTIONISTS
• Paul has started saying (in lieu of terrible expletives): "Son of a batch of cookies!" and "What the French Toast!" I must ask...why do all his sayings have something to do with FOOD?

All Alone in my Home...

So on Tuesday and Wednesday I attended a training in Columbus. This requires my children to be farmed out to others in order to secure their well being an safety in my absence. My mother had been planning a granddaughter retreat, and since that time frame seemed as good as any other decided to have it from Sunday to Wednesday to help me out. Since my brother and his wife needed to bring their daughter up here so she could attend and they had graciously accepted Conner into their home for those few days, they just took him home early. This means I was without child of any kind from Saturday night until Wednesday night. At first, it was weird. Then I made big plans in the silence. Big "I'm- going -to -sort -through- the- mountain -of -clothes- piled- in- the -corner- of- the- attic -room"plans. About Sunday afternoon at 2 I decided to fore go those plans for the sake of more pressing plans; enjoying the solitude. And so I did. I watched movies I never watched, read books I never read, and ignored chores I never ignore. Okay, not never ignore. I ignored chores I usually ignore but was able ot battle through the guilt because their no being done-ness did not directly affect the physical well being of my children.

Moving on...

I had chinese food in the park with Mel and Kirk on Monday after working all day. Then I went to a movie with my friend Sara. I packed myself, and got ready to go to Columbus before hitting the hay a little later then I intended. I enjoyed it immensely.

And yet, I don't think I would trade being a mother...one big extended plan...for all of the little plans in the world.

Mother's Day Bites

My oldest son wrote me a sonnet.

Oh, Mother, Oh

Paul Willis

Oh, mother, oh

How I love you from head to toe

Ever since you were little

I would never change you, okay, maybe a little

You have always cared for me

You fed me and hugged me and more

Good thing you didn’t name me Lee

But you are something that can’t be bought at a store

Yes, you stress me out

OR make me want to pull my hair

But there is no doubt

Of how I care

Oh, Mother, Oh

How I love you from head to toe

At church, my kids filled out little pieces of paper about their mom. Here are the responses from my kids:

Maryn

My mom is… talented

She has… my eyes

Favorite Food… tomatoes and cottage cheese

Favorite Color… green

Her hobby… playing piano

Her Best Friend… Sharon Bertke

I love my Mom Because… She’s awesome

I love to hear my mom… sing

Conner

My mom is… Nice

She has… blue eyes

Favorite Food… strawberries

Favorite Color… purple

Her hobby… piano

Her Best Friend… Melanie

I love my Mom Because… Cook

I love to hear my mom… Sing

Ashlyn (she was evidently slightly coached my sister)

My mom is… Loving

She has… Make-up

Favorite Food… Salad

Favorite Color… Green

Her hobby… Cook J

Her Best Friend… Melody

I love my Mom Because… we snuggle

I love to hear my mom… say “I Love You” cause I really love my mom

I must be doing something right J Heaven knows what.

Mothers

A Sonnet for My Incomparable Mother

I often contemplate my childhood, Mom.
I am a mother now, and so I know
Hard work is mixed together with the fun;
You learned that when you raised me long ago.

I think of all the things you gave to me:
Sacrifice, devotion, love and tears,
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul--
All these you spent on me throughout the years.

You loved me with a never-failing love
You gave me strength and sweet security,
And then you did the hardest thing of all:
You let me separate and set me free.

Every day, I try my best to be
A mother like the mom you were to me.

By Joanna Fuchs